Life!!!

I have been thinking long and hard.....

And the one question that always manages to pop in my mind is: What is life all about?

What it is that we are really living for? This bugs me a lot, especially after visiting my grandmother who lives in Metsi, Area B around Bushbuckridge. Now that is a rural area right, I used to go there a lot when I was still a toddler and as I grew older my visits weren't so frequent anymore and every time my mother was upset with me, she would threaten to take me there and I used to cry and think that she hated me - after living in a Durban for about 7 years then coming to Nelspruit (which didn't do it for me at that time) was bad but Metsi was even worse.

But I went there recently and was taken by the way they live there and what is normal in my eyes, I had friends there that I used to play with when I was still younger but now it was like we have nothing to talk about. I was quite close to this one particular girl and she was the one person I'd rather talk to when I'm there but you'd be surprised if you had us together, we are so different for obvious reasons of cause but more because of the way we grew up. While there I was so frustrated because my phone kept giving me the "no signal" alert and getting airtime was mission impossible, I was craving beef lasagna, a king steer burger and butter croissants with a hot hollicks like mad and there were no where to be found! So there I was complaining to her that I hadn't watched all my favourite TV shows in a week, how hot it was and how I needed the latest issue of Hype Magazine - all of which she had no clue about and clearly all the things that I was worried about simply did not matter to her because she is not used to them. That made me think of how much I had changed from being a simple girl from Metsi to being Khensani from Durban. I was like I have so many problems that are not really problems you know, then came Sunday and we were about to leave for church - the same church that I used to walk to back then but now I simply couldn't I needed to be driven there and my grandmother who is about 89 years young walked with no problem..... Right there I just thought to myself "shame on you Khensani" to make matters worse I didn't understand the sermon as it was done in shangaan (tsonga, for those who don't know) and to think that about 10 years back I was fluent in the language ( should've seen my grandmothers disappointment in me when I greeted the congregation in zulu), it was the first language I learnt to speak when I was about 2 years or so now 21 years later the only word I know is "teka".

Its like I got so caught up in city life that I totally forgot where Khensani came from.

Besides that what I want to figure out is what is it that I'm living for, really!!!

Is it a great job that pays a six digit figure a month that will make me feel as if my life has been worthwhile?

Am I living for the greatest love of my life ( that I don't have yet)?

Is it popularity that is going to make me feel human?

Is my life based on what other people expect of me rather than what is best for me?

Are all the things I wish to acquire in life really important?

Do my friend like me for me or for what I could be or maybe for what I have ( which is not much)?

who am I, really?

What is it that makes me do certain things in life?

Am I really happy with myself and the way I am?

A lot of questions are going through my mind right now maybe because things come to me as soon as I sit in front of this screen.

But life.......

HHmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

I'm just.....